Destination: SELF CONFIDENCE!!

so today was an interesting day, it started out when i awoke to my friends' lovely Paramore ringtone, which at any other time would have been great, but the fact that I was dead asleep and that the phone was about 2 inches from my face sort of killed it for me. once awake, i proceeded to rouse my unconscious friend (the owner of said phone) and gather my things. Memories of last nights party float through my head as I get dressed: the snowball fight, the stupid girls my brother brought over, the crazy half-sober trip to Jack in the Crack, and the oh-so-fun Sharpie fight between Joey and Matt (which almost ended in a trip to the emergency room at 4 in the morning). As I think about all of this stuff I cant help but think back to my x. WHen the two year relationship ended about a month ago I kept telling myself that I needed to look back on the relationship as a learning experience and I would not be angry or bitter, or even worse, sad. This all proved to be harder that I thought. But over the past week I have realized something, I have realized that throughout my life, and especially throughout my love life, that I have this uncontrolable need to settle for less. Sounds very silly I know but it has been proven true time and time again. I settle for the uncomfortable shoes because its not worth fighting with my mother, I settle for the local college because I don't think I can get into a better one, I settle for the douche bag boyfriend because I don't think I can do any better. its always the same, i don't think I can do better. damn self-esteem! But this past week has really opened my eyes, though not really in the ways I expected. Being a college student, there are many opportunities to party; you party on friday because duh, its friday! you party on saturday because duh, its weekend! u don't really party on sunday cuz there's class on monday but you party on monday because your so depressed its monday you need something to cheer you up. you party on tuesday because its two fer tuesday, and you party on wednesday because its hump day! you party on thursday because its almost friday and you party on friday because duh, its friday!! Until recently I had never known all the wonders of partying, I mean I had been to like 2 or 3 dumb high school "parties" but nothing big, mostly because the bf would never allow it. He was the most controlling, manipulative sonofabitch I've ever known. Of course I can only say this now because I have "seen the light" I now know the "error of my ways" and so on, but at the time i thought it was love. I thought it was his love talking when he told me I was never to talk to the opposite sex, I thought it was his love talking when he said maybe I should hit the gym more, I thought it was his love talking when he said i didn't need any friends except for him .As you can tell his love was quite the sweet talker. After we broke up I still felt like I should stay at home and just keep to myself, but then i started to realize that I had this thing called freedom again, it was amazing! so what did I do? I went to a party on Friday, and on Saturday, and one again on Monday, and again on Thursday and friday again and then Saturday again. It was amazing, I felt so liberated. I drank a bit I danced and i FLIRTED omg i flirted!! And it wasn't like before when I would only flirt with the person i was least attracted to, only for fear of getting shot down from something I really wanted, I flirted with someone I was actually attracted to! I know its a novel idea: flirt with someone you are attracted to. weird to think that that concept was so foreign to me. Once you think about it, it is sort of sad the way I regained my self confidence through underage drunken escapades, but I didn't do anything too illigal....kinda, and sometimes it really isn't the trip thats important, its the destination, maybe just this once ;)