Jokes
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Permalink Reply by Laurence on -
When I saw the headline Fanny Mae collapse I thought Britney spears was pregnant again!
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Permalink Reply by Laurence on
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As always, my contributions are not for any PC enforcers out there, these next 2 are no different.
3 Guys go an a weekend break to another city. After a Long drive which included several traffic Jams, they arrive quite late and they're all tired. They check into the hotel they booked, only to be told that the hotel overbooked for the weekend, and instead of the 3 seperate ones they booked, the only room that's free was one room with a double bed.
After a quick discussion, they came to the conclusion that since they were all tired, they'd take that room for the night and they'd find somewhere else the next day for the following night.
After sleeping that night in the same bed the guys are having a chat over breakfast.
The first guy (FYI he slept at the side of the bed) said " Last night I had the Best dream I had in Years. I dreamt that Carmen Electra was giving me the best blowjob of my life!!"
the Next guy (FYI he slept on the other side of the bed) said, "that's funny. Because I dreamt that my Girlfriend Was giving me the best Hand-job of my Life."
Then the guy in the middle Says... "you Lucky Bastards!! I wish I had dreams like that. I only dreamt I was skiing!!"
:P
the next joke is not for anyone that is weak of stomach...
3 Vampires arrange to meat at their local Pub in Transylvania. The first of the 3 comes in. Goes up to the Vampire barman and says, "Barman, I'll have a pint of Blood Please" (sure enough they have it on tap). Barman serves, the Vampire pays, so he goes to sit down.
2nd Vampire comes in, acknowledges his buddy, Goes by the bar and Says "I'm feeling a bit flash today. Give me a pint of your Freshest Virginal!" Again the Barman serves, the Vampire pays, and he goes to sit down with his Buddy.
3rd Vampire comes in, goes up to the barman and says, "Skip the Blood for the time being Barman, I'll have a pint of hot water instead!" Whilst the Barman is boiling up the water he has a yak with the Vampire. he says " This is a bit of a change, Normally you are in here, indulging in the red stuff with your buddies... what gives this time?" And the vampire states "ahaaaa just serve me the water an keep an eye over at out table". so the barman give the hot water to the Vampire and he goes to sit with the other 2 that came in before.
sure enough they wer just as intrigued as the barman was and one of them asks the 3'rd vampire "Have you gone soft on us. Get a pint of red in like you usually do. What gives this time?"
so after sitting down, the 3rd Vampire reaches into his cape, and pulls out a bunch of used Tampons...
"ever heard of teabags!!"
Don't say i didn't warn you!! :P
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Permalink Reply by elmolinero on -
Ok, this one is one you have to hear, not read... so say it outloud.
What do you call a fish with no i?
fsh (make the sound of fish without the i)
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Permalink Reply by elmolinero on
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Here's another joke that must be said outloud...
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No eye dear.
What do you call a deer with no eye and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eye no legs and no balls?
Still no f@$%*%# eye deer!
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Permalink Reply by M. Modasuci on -
A woman who owns this small perfume-making plant creates this new scent that becomes the next big thing in America.
The scent becomes so popular that her company had to move to a new plant to cope with the demand of the new scent.
The woman who owns the plant goes to the storage facility to do inventory and sees nothing but her new scent.
She turns to the workers and asks, "Where are all of my old scents?"
The workers replied, "We stored them in the old factroy".
Get it? Old factory...olfactory -- the part of your brain that determines smells? (I'm such a nerd)
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Permalink Reply by Derek on -
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF VS NEW YORK LAWYER
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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Permalink Reply by Lisle B on -
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine
'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself, 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's
centerfold.
'Lord have mercy', the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's going to run
for Congress!'
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Permalink Reply by Richa on -
At first, it seems a little dirty, but don't worry, it'll make you laugh. ;)
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
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Permalink Reply by bluphoenix on -
If your familiar with "The Ricky Gervais Show" it will be funnier to you.
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Permalink Reply by alejandromederas on
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(I personally don't like stereotypes, or blonde jokes but hey this one was funny, sorry if I offend anyone, I don't mean to)
So three mothers -a brunette, a redhead and a blonde- were talking about their teenage daughters over lunch.
The brunette said: "The other day I was rearranging my daughters room and I found a bottle of liquor.. I can't believe she's only 14 and she's already drinking!"
The redhead said: "I know, I was cleaning my house the other day and I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughters room! I can't believe she's only 13 and she's already smoking!"
And then the blonde said "Tell me about it! I was looking through my daughters purse the other day and I found a condom! I can't believe she's only 14 and she has a penis!"
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I also found some funny "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey:
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind. (haha genius!)
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
This one is not from Jack Handey but I heard it somewhere else: If life gives you lemons, then you should wonder why something abstract is giving you fruit.
I just love nonsense!
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