Jokes

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Permalink Reply by Laurence on September 12, 2008 at 2:07pm

If only everything in life could be as simple as an Iphone :P

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Permalink Reply by Derek on September 14, 2008 at 9:25pm

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complicated from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butter worth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jamima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never new how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

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Permalink Reply by Jason_md2020 on September 15, 2008 at 3:42am

Ya know, they never went public with this, but I heard he liked to get baked on occasion. Or maybe that was just the Glaucoma...

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Permalink Reply by I'm sitting in the dark playing with scotch tape. on September 15, 2008 at 8:12pm

since we've started giving Hurricanes male names why haven't we started calling them Himacanes?

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Permalink Reply by tubejay on October 1, 2008 at 9:29pm

"what did the man at the fish market say to the roman guard?"

squid pro quo! (blame derek for this atrocity)

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Permalink Reply by Laurence on October 4, 2008 at 7:36pm

Not politically correct but this was told to me by an Austrian tonight...

"in austria Wine is just like women... Best matured in a cellar" :P

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Permalink Reply by I'm sitting in the dark playing with scotch tape. on October 5, 2008 at 1:30am

i like my coffee like i like my women, ground up and in the freezer.

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Permalink Reply by andy garcia on October 4, 2008 at 8:36pm

I used to do drugs..... i still do, but i used to too! haha

i love me some mitch headburg

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Permalink Reply by andy garcia on October 6, 2008 at 1:07am

i actually think it was not his best but it was really nice to have some more of him to hold on too!

last night i ordered a club sandwich, i dont know how i get away with it im not even a member

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Permalink Reply by Derek on October 14, 2008 at 9:38pm

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Permalink Reply by Alex V. on October 15, 2008 at 9:17am

This economic crisis is so bad, I ran into my broker the other day in a McDonald's and you know what he said? "Do you want fries with that?"

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Permalink Reply by Derek on October 15, 2008 at 9:28am

That's funny - I ran into mines near the freeway. He offered to clean my windshield.

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