Jokes
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Derek on -
I've got a collection of jokes from a friend:
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $10.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that"s when the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver"s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too"
And then the fight started.....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She"s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn"t been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.....
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn"t believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that"s how the fight started.....
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I"ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren"t you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that"s how the fight started.....
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Permalink Reply by RevisionRocker on -
I got a couple:
There were three people on a public bus: A German, A American, and A Blonde
The German said "We were the first on the Moon."
The American said "We were the first on Mars."
The Blonde said "We were the first on the Sun."
The American said "You can do that! You would burn up!"
The Blonde said "Duh! That's why we went at night!"
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I think Oompa-Loompas are the scariest things ever. We don't need jail time or rehab for celebs. We should have just sent some Oompa-Loompas over to Britney's House.
"Out at the club til after midnight
Leaving your kids home, now that isn't bright
Do you think that makes a very good mom
Plus you forget to put pan-ties on"
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Permalink Reply by Sid Datta on -
Man and Giraffe walk into a bar.... giraffe gets drunk and passes out. Bartender says to the man "Hey you can't leave that lyin around here.". Man looks at the bartender and says, "It's not a lion its a giraffe.".
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Permalink Reply by Derek on
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HOLY E-MAIL ~ ~ ~
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said,
"Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline;
95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
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Permalink Reply by Derek on
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What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, It is all really quite simple... '
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
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Permalink Reply by Laurence on -
As a self confessed tits man, I really like this joke!! :D Nicked and forwarded to everyone I know :P
which reminds me, Methinks the Wonderbra falls into the baptist category, Because when you take it off you wonder where they went!! :P XD
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Permalink Reply by RevisionRocker on
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How many times does 1 into 0?
As many times as the guy wants!
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Permalink Reply by Derek on
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Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving.
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father.
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
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Permalink Reply by Laurence on
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What's the similarty between the starship enterprise and a piece of toilet paper..
the both search uranus for klingons!! :P
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